You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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