How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
