Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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