this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
