it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
