I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
