That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
