So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
