chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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