Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
