i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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