Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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