I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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