i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
