Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize