So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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