No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
my liver is dry heaving
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Damn victory sex feels great
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
