The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He shit in the fireplace
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
