Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
