so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize