This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
