New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
