my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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