You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
