i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize