i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
