His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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