Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
