He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
pop tarts are not kleenex
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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