I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
