3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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