Are we in a gay sports bar?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
