So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
