I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
