I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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