guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
