shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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