everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
