Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
me + whiskey = a bad person
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
