I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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