best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
