I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
