Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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