i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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