Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize