her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
