NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
