He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
