it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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