It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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