we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
