you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
