Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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