Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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