I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize