I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
