My friends, they love my intelligence
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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